A Shooting Star.
" Sometimes comets are thought to be lost. A few come back to the orbit and the scientist found that nothing was lost at all. They are found. "
Memories of my father flashes back every time I stop doing something else. Memories that I thought were not there, that I never actually remembered before. But now they keep on coming back. Telling me, how much my dad loves, sorry, dad loved us. When he was around, I always complained saying that he didn’t like me. The nags went on and on up to the point that I even said that I don’t need him. I can live alone. I’m independent. But as much as I’m confident in saying all those things, I was wrong.
Now that the memories came back, I realize that I really need him. It will never be the same again. I was one of those kids that always have this kind of nightmare again and again, which made me woke up in the middle of the night, waking up my dad, forcing him to soothe me back to sleep. When I grew up bigger, I force him to pray for me, to keep all the bad things away. Dad would sometimes, woke up and sleep with me in my bed and when I woke up the next day, I realized that he was not there anymore and thinking how easy was I to sleep. Just by knowing that he was there.
How extremely dependent was I toward my dad. And yet, I never actually realize that until recent occasion. When I went back here to college, I keep on saying that I am busy. Not that I am saying that I am not, but I am busy. I have to understand lots of subjects which are crazily heavy. 3 weeks after I reach Kuching, I still didn’t make a call back home. To talk to him. I didn’t and I don’t know why.
On Wednesday, September 24th, 2014. I went to my classes as usual. I always concentrate on my class and I don’t even check my phone. When my classes were over then I checked my phone and I feel like my heart drop so deep down the ground when I read my mom’s text. She didn’t tell me to go back but she just said that my dad was very ill. I didn’t expect that he will go away so soon. I still hope that he will get better, or even if not, he will be able to watch me graduating and get a job in the future. Then, I asked Flora and she told me to just come back.
When I reached hospital the next day, I was speechless. I’ve seen lots of people passing away when I took care of my dad at the hospital for 3 months earlier. I just know what will be happening next. Dad was waiting for me to come. He waited for me. I was so sad that I feel so sick with myself for letting dad to suffer even more. He was gasping for air and I know that he was still there with us because the doctor injected something so his heart will keep on pumping. Maybe they asked my mom whether they got someone coming that my dad wants to meet. Which is me. I know that. Dad was not able to think anymore. He just followed what my mom said for me.
I told him not to worry about me that I will study hard. Told him to just relax, to think something nice. I actually want to tell him a story about what happened in college like I always did at home when he was bedridden at home. Although that I know he never actually cared to listen or, maybe he did. But I just want him to get distracted from all the pain. To think something nice. Then he slowly faded away. But thankfully without any complication. He really did rest in peace and I know that he had been through lots of hard time. I know that he always feel the pain before. Every time he breathe. The numbness that he felt all over his body. I once get to feel severe back pain to the extent that I couldn’t even move a finger. I couldn’t even walk and lift my body. I know how it feel like to be bedridden. It was horrifying. I just couldn’t imagine how he dealt with it. I get so angry whenever he got sad and cried. I just didn’t understand his pain before.
I complained a lot when i took care of him for 3 months. Tweeting. Text my friends telling them how tired I was, taking care of my dad. Saying that, I don't even have my holiday while others are going around having fun. I know that i shouldn't said that. But I did. Now, I regret it so much to think that when I go back home for Christmas this year, I'll not be meeting my dad. I don't have a father anymore.
The next thing that I regret the most is that I didn't take any picture with him. Not that because I don't want to take picture with him but because, I simply don't like taking picture with myself in it. But that is going to change. Now I know that even a picture can be so memorable and meaningful.
I have lots of papers coming for this mid term examination and I just don't know what else to do. I just couldn't stop thinking about my dad. How I complain, while he is in pain. How he loved his siblings so much but they don't even care about him. How he sacrificed so much but they don't even appreciate it at all. How he loved them so much than he loved us. That's the fact. But thankfully we understand and we didn't get crazy about it, we just get over it by understanding, "who didn't love their family". And with that, he passed his wisdom to us as a family. We love him without reason. We love each other as a family and I thanks my dad for teaching us this crucial life lesson. None is missing at all.