it has been a while. same old same old.

well, i'd used 3 weeks thinking on what im going to say here. (haha!) i just dont have the right words to say. things just went on rushing and i was running behind. left alone. to my heart content. lots of things happened in this period of time. and i, unpredictably couldn't believe it myself. that, i'm able to withstand them all by myself. to be this strong at heart. being responsible and all. and i learned a lot. i grew up a lot too. not physically, but mentally. and i have faith too. to believe in everything i want to. being optimist. 
i always thought that this holiday, this period of time will be the best time for me to do all things that i'd always want to do. sound annoying isn't it? i planned for lots of thing where i did a list for it. i really look forward for this. but yeah, life will never going to be easy. though some might have one. but usually no. we strive and try. when we try harder, we get better. when one of my friend lost her mom at the end of pasum, i was speechless. i have no experience of losing my own love one. but yeah mostly the feeling of sorry and sad. telling her to be strong and positive etc.. that is the only thing that we can do right? and i thought, that, that is enough. as a friend. thought that i'd done my best. though i'm not so close to her btw. well people always said that, "you'll never really understand how it actually is unless you're going on the same thing.". and this, is absolutely true.

when i came back home, 3 weeks ago. i was still filled with this energetic aura of getting lots of fun. expectation for my holiday. watching all the changes in the town. same old same old small town of limbang. but yeah i miss it so much. the thing is that i know that both of my parents are ill. and yet my mom came to fetch me up. and i was like, "why don't you just stay at home and i take the taxi?". but she told me that, "no need, i'm strong enough for this.". and i was dumbfounded. but still im so excited getting back home. while i really didn't expect something so serious.

we will never know what waiting for us in the future. my dad is having prostate ca. and first of all i was so sick of it. why wouldn't they tell me? something so serious and yet, he wants to suffer all alone. the most important thing for this is support. but that sick feeling just happened for some moment. and i know, starting at that time that it will not going to be easy. it will be a complete u turning for us. and now i know what my friend earlier really feel and went through. no matter how good and how understanding people might be, they will never really understand.  

and in this 3 weeks, we'd gone through a lots. asking people on solutions. but recent result shows that the ca already spread to the bone and i just have no say in this. speechless at first. no cure for it now. chemotherapy and radiotherapy won't do. just a dose of injection per month will slow down and prevent the spreading of the ca. in other word, longer the life spend for a bit. well i hope it will be longer. and this is why i say that i couldn't believe myself saying these like this. no matter what it is, i'll stay strong and support him all the way.

 and to all my fellow christians, 
i thought that if there anyone having the same thing, reading these will much less help. :D


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