Wallflower. things forgotten yet so important

i was watching one of these great movies yesterday that it made me realize lots of things that i'd left or something that i'd forgotten. things that shouldn't be forgotten. i was watching the perks of being a wallflower. have you watch it yet? it's a pretty good one. and to be extra honest, i didn't really expect it to be so damn good. like seriously, it was one of the most awesome movies that i'd ever watch. i meant it was pretty exotic kind of way you know. it looks like the normal movies but it different in a way that i can't precisely say it. it was pretty lovable maybe. or it was just because there's emma in it. haha most probably. 

but the story really like, "hey im having the same thing too.". i mean the condition and how charlie live. goin to church etc... and it need a courage for everything. and never realize that someone is watching you. no one notice you. a wallflower. unnoticeable. i used to be like you know ignored by my relatives, but like i care. they're not helping me. tho that i get great grades in my exams. no congratulations or something. but when it came to the other, although its something not so overwhelming, they cry a river of satisfaction and happiness. im not hoping but there are lots of other things, unnoticeable to be think about that you know, so timid and tiny in this life. appreciation. and all these craps that im saying is in my point of view. who know what they really think right.

when i made a decision of not going back home for Christmas last year. i don't even have the feeling of regret and sadness. no. why? because of the things that happened to me earlier. it really left a big dark hole in my heart. it made me feels bad to be with them. like i don't deserve to be among them. they don't need me. they don't like the sight of me. and so i think they'll be much better without me. and so i did. i did celebrate my christmas alone last year. i bought a whole roaster chicken, some coke, and sushi. and i waited all day long to skype with my family which never happen. i only skype with my sis, miss fleurze. these are all the thinking that i'd made that made me underwhelm forever. 

but after i watch the movie, i realize tons of things that i'd overlook. the joy and happiness. the feeling of being alive. breathing. how i love my family. i never know when did i started to feel hatred inside my heart. maybe it started when i think that everything is unfair to me? maybe. now that i remember. the most happiest moment in my life is christmas. it was suppose to be about the family. being together.  u remember once, when i was a small cute little brother. (i assume this) i really hope of getting a present from my parents, who never be so sporting like they actually can pretend to be so humorous but they didn't haha. but i actually like them to be just them haha and my sis did gave me some present. i would wait all night waiting for santa. can you believe it? yeah i wait for santa to come at mid night. we would wait at the balcony upstairs watching the sky spotting for flying slay and santa's deer. i was small and timid, short. so i couldn't really see the sky. then my sis will shout and said that there are santa passing by and when i stand and tried to see it, she'll  say that i was so slow that he already went away. so funny isn't? and i'll be upset and feel down like "how did i miss it?". then when we go inside, i was surprised to see some wrapped presents. and there'll be one for me too. and i'll smile so wide that it would bring we flying. but just so you know, i actually only get a straw. lol. drinking straw while my sis get some rock. it was my oldest sister idea actually. we were just having fun as she said it was given by the santa. so stupid i was, yet so happy. 

i was a very happy-go-lucky kind of boy back then. hahaha. i miss those days. i remember in 2006 i get a build in camera mp4 as my upsr presents. and i took hundreds of pictures and videos. and we recorded lots of things together. i sang and i danced. i laughed and everyone will laugh too. thats who i was back then. arent i so likeable? no? i really want to search for those videos back at home. i will. 


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