just try, put some efforts, and cherish about them later.

as i woke up again, today. i realized that i'm not used to be alone, though i had always want to be alone back then. being too proud of being "solitude" as i'd always told my friends. well, they know me better than other people. i used to ignore, especially to those that love to mock and fight me. i didn't hate them, it was just that when someone hated you, what would you do? so, as i didn't want to get involve with these kind of people, i chose to ignore them, made them felt horrible, making them wondering "why is he not blaablabla...". okay, i'm a lil bit annoying but to just let you know, you're even more annoying that i didn't even want to let my eyes on you. buang baras. but these are old stories as i'm conscious. it is normal if we get to hate someone, get annoyed with somebody, felt miserable. but changing other are not easy. really. i remembered back then when i was in secondary school, where the seniors used to lecture their juniors as the lil ones were making mistakes, usually according to the school norm. it happened in my school back then and obviously we are among the last batch who had received this kind of treatment. well, as the time changes they say. it is true. now, it will be called as bully and most probably will be brought to a higher authority than the school administrative. i meant maybe it will be brought to the police? the juniors who had been lectured didn't usually changed much. seriously, some even turned worst. see how complex human being is? i admit myself too, i can't change much without much effort. but what i dare say is that, we can change ourselves at the time we realizes that there are room of improvement and we aren't perfect at all.

i was trying to answer some add math questions this morning and fortunately, i could answer some, but not all. some is still on my mind, but the other were so hard to remember. well, i'm not that good on the subject. but i'm just trying to remember. i just want to cherish and allow myself to feel the feeling that i used to get back then whenever time flies so fast that 2 hours seems to be a minute. i long for that feeling as much as i miss my school time. not the school but the time i spend there together with my buddies. and the result is fulfilling. really, and i'm feeling great as i could answer some of the question, while i could hardly answer one back then especially when i'm in form 4. hahahaha...but i tried so hard to change myself and i see the different. i'm not proud, but i'm happy with the result. though the differences were not that great but still, i cherished those differences. i try and try, and my marks increased thought it were only small changes. to be honest i really do not like add math as i failed in every exam that i'd sat. you can laugh at me but really, it was horrible. i even said to myself that, "why am i so stupid?". as i'd never failed in any subjects before. so, to change is to sacrifice. sacrifice a lil bit of our pride sometimes, our ego. we ask and we try. it did work on me. and the most crucial part is to start. start to do something rather than doing nothing, waiting for graces from the Creator. without even trying. 

i admit that i'm a lil bit slow, a slow learner. but i'm grateful that i'm better than some. i tried changing myself, kept on remembering myself about the dream that i have. what i want to be and stuff. but still it is not enough for me. i always been in an "envy-mode" toward my buddies who are so great, taking life so easy as they are gifted with such great ability. they should have been grateful. really. they play so hard, but their results were overwhelming too. and hows that? fair? no? thinking back about all of my efforts, was it worthy? negatively "hell, yeah! stop. it isn't working!". but optimistically "yeah it worthy, i'd tried my best and if that's the best that i could. then...". but i thought of both. and i think that i'm just fine. so for the result that i'll get this coming 22nd of march, i'm not expecting for too high, so great. but just nice, normal desire. i mean my result. for these past days, waiting, i'd never hope for too much and i'm happy with it. but of course all will hope for the best. wish me the best of luck and please do pray for me. k, then~


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