2nd April 2010 to 30th April 2010

There were a a lots of things that happened in between these two date. Both happy and sad. They do makes me enjoyed my life.  Thanks to God who made them for sure. Because of that, I'd told my self again and again the same thing, "be strong". That's is the only highlight for our vicious life. They will never wait for you. People usually said that "only the strong will go on". Then, i would say that it is correct. Isn't? Yup. Again I'll say that there are a lots of thing happen to me, as the witness of this life. Do I love it or not that the fact that we are human. That's it. People are changing, again, both in contra, Changing to be good or bad. But again we can't judge others. Can we? No for sure. I'm actually not quite sure that I'm on the right path and way or not. Did the action that I take were correct or not. I still put a question mark there, deep inside my mind. I felt horrible every time I think about it. Again and again I asked myself, "Did i made a wrong decision?", I will extremely felt horrible every time I think about it. I really appreciate all my friends and best friends, although that they don't think it to be that way. Who knows? That's one of my problems. This is the testimony:

I have a friend (although that i don't think that it is my friend anymore). D'abbord, I didn't thought that I'd made something wrong but then this creature, get angry at me and started to cursing me as if that its parents had never taught it to behave. It always be like that. But, I usually will just stay calm and be strong because they said that this creature was born that way. But still I don't care about it. And it usually will go that way. But then one day, we ,"non Muslim" student went to the preparation class earlier than the Muslim student. Like always. And that evening, i brought my camera along with me. So, I was thinking to snap some pictures with my friends. In your opinion, so far did I done anything wrong? For me, none. Suddenly, this weird creature turn its face on me and made a stupid looking face and turn away leaving us and knocked the chair on the hard ground. I was terrified, shocked, surprised, feeling 'blank', etc. And I asked the other "What was that?". The evening tenderness filled us. I was really3x in "blank page". Without reasons, you had been hated. What will you do if you're in my position? Seriously. That night past by and 'it' still look at me with that face. I'd never felt that way. That feeling, when we were being hated. Even worst, without knowing why. So, that night. When i stayed up to study and do some revision, I think very hard. Keep on asking myself. "What have I done?". So, do you know what was my conclusion? I conclude that I have to get rid of this annoying creature. Every time I have to be good to 'it'. When 'it' get angry or what so ever, I will confront to 'it' and say I'm "Sorry". Although it was not my fault. But that night, I made my decision. The kind of action that I have never think. Just by deleting it. And I'm doing it now. Deleting 'it' from my wonderful life. Just making my life harder. 

I tried so hard to delete it from my memory. I really want to forget about this creature. But the effect for my action, peoples think that I'm very bad and they be friend with this creature even more. And know what, this creature suddenly, change 'good' and that made me a 'bad guy'. When I'm good enough, it hates me. Maybe it jealous with me. Who knows? but what made me sad is that, my friends think that it is the good guy and I'm the bad guy. 

I'd tried soo hard to tell myself "be strong". And know what till now, I didn't said anything back to 'it', cursing 'it', never. But till now, I can't and I don't even have the strength to say "sorry" or to forgive that creature. because 'it' had taught me how to make a 'hating someone' face. 'It' do it all the time not to the other, but to me. And why can't other understand the problem or difficulties that I'm in. I'm not the one who started it, but I'm just the feedback. Like Toro said, "when people do bad to you without reason, what is your feeling? And what will you do?". Yeah i guess, that Toro was correct after all. I hope that my friend will understand. I don't want to be call as "emotional" but my heart. It's hurting. Every time this creature look at me with that expression, for your information, my heart was pounding as if it would stop. This happened when your best friend don't think that you are its friend. Another cruel reality of mine.    


  1. In general people experience their present naively, as it were, without being able to form an estimate of its contents; they have first to put themselves at a distance from it - the present, that is to say, must have become the past - before it can yield points of vantage from which to judge the future. ~Sigmund Freud


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